Guilt
by TallysGreatestFan
Summary: Delenn is not the peaceful, wise ambassador all believe she is. For she has to cope with an old guilt for her past crimes.


**Guilt**

 _Musik: ,,Still Here" – Digital Daggers_

For the first time the dead had names. Of course I am aware that millions of humans died through me. I heard the exact numbers at conferences of the Grey Council, or from members of my staff. Once a week, always to the time you humans would call Friday nineteen o'clock, straight after I came back at the meeting room, and after I had spoken with Mayan or my father over videochat or ate or withdraw and read or discussed with my acolytes. After special incidents also at other times. At the reports also stood the names of those of the warriors who died on our side, numbers and faceless names on paper.

I saw the remains of your destroyed ships floating trough space, shreds of metal, parts of the outer shell and the rooms beneath it, a rotation section, entirely undamaged, but torn off from the rest of the ship. Faceless aliens, floating in vacuum. Nothing moved, it seemed like live itself was frozen. I didn't felt a bit mercy. They were the monsters who killed my teacher and friend and companion. They should be extinguished from the face of the universe.

One time we attacked a civil colony, from that we thought it was an outpost. They showed me and the others one of the victims. A young woman, not much more than a child. An alien species and still so familiar in her appearance, her facial features. There I doubted at our holy war for the first time. But in my eyes weren't grindingly hold back tears like in Merats from the worker caste, and I didn't scream fiercely gesticulating, something like this should not have ever happened, like the other Satai of the religious. I saw a face for the first time, but it still didn't have a name. Not until today. Ganya Ivanov.

Susan mentioned his name incidental, without knowing that I ordered to extinguish all of his people at the holy war. How could something be holy at which an entire civilization should be annihilated?

In my time as Satai and ambassador I gave many orders at their victims I sometimes ponder of at night, when I lie awake, and whose faces I see around me in the darkness. I knew about the menace trough the shadows, and that they would use the Centauri as tool of their plans. But I remained silent. I didn't try to convince the humans, the Vorlons and the league of non-allied worlds to interfere, and let the Centauri conquer Narn. Yet I knew that I did the right thing. But I dealt so wrong as I cried: ,,Kill them all! No mercy!", as I proclaimed war against you humans. Dukhat died far to early, and I still miss him, yet his death is not worth to be offset with the death of millions. Humans and Minbari.

Once, Lennier asked me how I could endure to be so close companioned with John, although he destroyed the Drala Fi.

By now he is more than just an aide for me, he was the only one who stand by me after my transformation and is my closest confidant. And I still regret to involve this shy, curious, still so innocent boy in our fight against darkness, and to not send him back to Minbar, in safety. But he pledged to never leave my side.

Only our opinion about John drives a wedge between us. Lenniers mother and his older sister were both on the Drala Fi as it was destroyed. He don't understands how I can endure being with their murder. Yet in truth I am responsible for their death. I begun the war, I am to blame for the deaths of all killed human and Minbari. I fear to tell him. Because I killed them all.

A/N: Translating the original german story into English proved more difficult than I thought first. I really hope its more or less grammatically correct, if not, please don't be surprised: English is'nt my first language. Just write my grammatical failures into the comments, I will correct them.

Anyway, it was also difficult to get Delenns voice right. I hope I managed it. She is my absolutely favorite character from the series and I could be upset forever of how much the authors neglect her after beginning of season three, yes, even degrade her. And it annoys me, that there almost only exist love stories with Captain Gary Stue Sheridan, because the Delenn who intrigues me so much, who I admire and who I come to love, is definitely somebody else. Therefore I just wrote a story about this part of her personality, that is in my opinion more part of herself than all this romance stuff. I have ideas for two other stories, at which she is eventual the strong, wise, philosophic, sometimes even threatening and cruel leader again, who we witnessed later at the series far to rarely. But sadly none of this fragments is concrete enough to really write it, I just have written two angsty friendship stories, but still nothing where she commands a spaceship or does politics or stuff.


End file.
